you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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