my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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