No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
