today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
