My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Small penises have feelings too.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
