I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
