when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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