The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
