I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
