Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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