Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
