Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm passing your future prison.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
