Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
