My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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