Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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