nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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