Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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