Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hippo gnu deer
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
