Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my shit smells like andre
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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