she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
