dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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