The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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