Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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