He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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