Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
