you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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