the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
