i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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