i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
