somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
