and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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