My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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