Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize