Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
