my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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