no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
