Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize