guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
