The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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