If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
