my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Randomize
