the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
