my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have aggressive nipples.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize