Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
