Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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