You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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