Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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