Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She even gives head with a lisp.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
