im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
