wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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