I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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