fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
