she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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