Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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