Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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