Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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