It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
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