Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
3pm strippers are depressing
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
