I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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