he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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