i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
