I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
