I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
