census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
