The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my shit smells like andre
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize