I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I AM VODKA MAN
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
