come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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