I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
