i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
