I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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