Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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