I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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