he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
