when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
